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Well, one of my problems just called. My mom. I don't understand something. When someone in your family tells you, I'm done with the family, doesn't that mean that they'd be done with you?? Yeah, my mom can't take a hint. I can't wait to move. I'm just going to move and not tell anyone what my phone number is or address. I just want to get away from everyone. God she sounds horrible. I'm so sick of thinking about her. FUCK! Why is it that I care about her when she abandoned my brother and sisters and I? Does that make any sense at all? I hate myself for caring about her. I'm so sick of thinking about her dying. It's the worst feeling to know that I care about someone who doesn't give a shit about me. Maybe she didn't stick around because she didn't think she was good enough. I don't know what the reason was, but no matter what the reason is, it doesn't change the fact that I didn't have a mom. It doesn't change the fact that I'm sick of caring for someone that abandoned me. I'm sick of feeling anything for anyone. Even Keanen. It feels like I keep putting myself out there and I get nothing back.
Me and Kean went and got the prices for the baby's blanket. In about $120 the blanket will be ready to be finished. I can't wait. I wanted to start on it today, but I have to figure out how big I want the lettering to be and all that crap, so no go for today. I'm glad we got it laid out and ready to be embroidered though.
Kean woke up early this morning coz he thought he had to go up for bar or something like that. He's trying to make PC. Unfortunately they decided not to do it today so he woke up early for no apparent reason. He's taking a nap right now and the shittiest part is that because he woke up so early I'm going to be dragging ass for the rest of the day. Thanks a lot, Hunny! LOL! That's alright, I'll just have to go to bed early tonight.
I can't wait for our crib to get here. I'm hoping this same friend will buy us the rest of the baby furniture. As selfish as this sounds, all I really want is the rocker that I picked out. I mean, it's the most IMPORTANT part of the room, riiiight? Oh well, I guess I'll just have to be patient and hope that some Aunties will pull through for us!
I can't believe that in less than three months this baby will be here. We're soo not ready for this. I was talking to my best buddy yesterday about all my anxiety's about having this lil girl and man, I started freaking out. I'm so scared to bring her into this world. And I'm totally losing it over all the "talks" I'm going to have to have with her. I'm afraid that we won't be close. I see how my family is and none of us talk to eachother. I mean, we talk, but we don't ever have heart to hearts. Kean's family is the opposite. Everything with them is a heart to heart. I want to find that happy medium. I just don't know if I'm going to be able to do it.
What if I'm not a good mom? What if my daughter ends up hating me like I hate my mom. I think my biggest fear is having my relationship with my daughter become like the relationship I have with my parents. I don't talk to either one of them, hardly. My mom calls once a week, but she's usually drunk and unable to carry on a descent conversation. My dad, well, I never talk to him. We went over a year without even hearing from eachother and I think it'll be another year before we talk again. I mean, he might call to tell me congrats on having the baby when she's born, but then he'll disappear. I don't want that happening to my daughter and me. My buddy said it won't, but honestly, she doesn't know that it won't. I have all these fears that my daughter is going to grow up like I did. Without anyone to talk to about important issues. I had to rely on my friends to help me through hard times and sometimes, they just weren't able to handle the issues I was dealing with. I was alone most of my life. Pretty much, still am, but I have Kean now. Not that I deal with my issues with him, but if I needed to, I could. I just learned how to survive on my own. My grams was there for me when it came to feeding me and putting clothes on my back. I never went without, EVER. But when it came to the emotional side. Let's just say, there was no one around. What if, because of my upbringing, I do the same to my daughter? I have a really good reason to feel this way. My neice is in the same boat I was in and let me tell you, she's not handling it so well. I try to talk to her as much as I can and to let her know that someone is there for her, but it's hard because I have my own life and my own problems. That's the reason she has a mom, so she can talk to her. Not an Aunt that will play the role of a mom. I wi sh I could me around for them more. I just hate what's happening to them.
I think I might talk to Kean about going home for a lil while. Maybe two weeks and seeing if I can talk to my neice and nephew. Yeah, here I go.
- Mood:
Good...
We finally settled on a name. Nothing set in stone as of yet, but I think we're going to go with Layla Isabel. We have to decide soon because we're going to get her name embroidered on the blanket, so in a few days there will be no going back!
Oh, bad news!! My fish died! Total accident though. Kean was cleaning their tank out yesterday and while we were in the back room the tank broke in the front bathroom. We both heard it and knew something was wrong. The fish WOULD have made it out alive, but everywhere was closed yesterday so we couldn't get a tank. We had to leave them in a bucket and by the time Kean got back from the store this morning with a new tank, they were dead. Sad. We were going to go get more fish, but then I realized we might be better off without any. Kean won't have to clean them and I won't have to worry about them getting fed when we go home for the weekends. So instead we think we're going to get another snake or lizard. Something with a lot less maintanance. It sounds horrible, but we're about to have a baby to take care of and without the fish around things will be a lil easier.
- Mood: good and good!
- Mood: Stressin'!!
- Mood: *draws sword*
For some reason my best friend is getting on my nerves today. She keeps calling me and telling me how sick she is and I really don't care. Acutally, I don't think it's just her. Kean was KILLING MEEEE yesterday. It sucked sooo bad. I don't even know what my problem was, I just hated everything he did!! I think the wprst thing he was doing was making me repeat myself. I may have been mumbling my responses, but still, it was killin me!! I hate treating him like that! He totally doens't deserve it at all!! Oh well. Nothing I can do about it now I guess!!
OH!!! Our car is still at the shop! I guess they replaced the part but the fourth gear was still acting weird. I dunno! The guy said they were supposed to get it fixed by today, but who knows. I'm thinking this is just racking up the labor costs and I'm super worried about how much it's going to cost. I think Kean is worried that they're going to dick us over coz I'm the one dealing with them and they prolly think I don't know what's going on so I won't argue, which, to be honest, is the truth! I dunno but we'll see.
- Mood: Sexy, sexy, sexy!!!
I really want to take a nap right now, but instead I have to sit here and wait for Kean to finish his test! That's alright though, coz it gives me time to catch up with some old buddies from school!! A bunch of them are going down to Mexico for spring break and want me and Kean to come, but the NAVY says, "NOOO!!" That's alrigh though, I just told then that it's better that we don't coz Kean would prolly get stolen and made into a male prostitute like the ones in Brokeback Mountain and I'd prolly be kidnapped and cut open and have my baby taken to the jungle!! LOL!! I miss my friends!! They were sooo much friggin fun!!! Plus I can't drink so, I wouldn't have AAS much fun as I would if I could drink. I told then when they come down to visit my new baby we'll get a babysitter and go to the mountains and drink like the olden' and golden days!!! :(
I decided my cat is troubled. I dunno what's wrong with him, but he tends to chew up my stuffed animals. The last incident he literally ripped into the bag that we were going to give to Salvation Army that was full of stuffed animals, and ate the hands and feet of a care bear and then ate the fin off of an orcha whale!! He's got issues and to be honest I don't think there is any kind of therapy for Kitties!! You'd think he'd start chewing on his brother, but so far he sticks to any stuffed animal that he can get his paws on! I don't know what we're going to do when we have our baby! I've gotta think of something to get him out of the habit of that.
My grams had totally redone her house! I'm so upset about it! That was my childhood and she just ripped it up and changed it!!! She's got new wood floors EVERY FRIGGIN WHERE!! And she's painting our white walls! She says that white walls are depressing and I'm like, Grams, you built this house forty years ago with white walls and you're just now starting to see that it's "depressing" GRRR!!!! She's getting her entire kitchen redone! I just can't handle this much change!! I told her I was boycotting her new home! And that if she wanted to see my baby she would just have to come out to the car and see her outside coz I'm not stepping foot in there ever!!!! Yeah Yeah Yeah, maybe I am "over-reacting", but you don't understand. I GREW UP IN THIS HOUSE!! And now that I've moved out and my life is totally about to change with the baby, I really need my childhood to stay the way it was, not change too!! EVERYTHING'S CHANGING!! lol.. I love giving my grams a guilt trip. Everyone back home says that I'm going to love the new place but even if I DO like it, I'm gonne pretend like I hate it!! Just in spite of my grams!! How dare she change my home!! DAMN HER!!!
So my mom is supposed to be going home for about ten days at the end of May, when we're having our family reunion (AGAIN!!). It'll be nice to see her again, but there's a HUGE down side. She's bringing my P.O.S. ABUSIVE, ALCOHOLIC, DRUG ADDICTED ASSHOLE stepdad! I fucking hate him. I literally made Kean hang up on him once. I was talking to my mom and she wanted to talk to Kean so I was like, ok? Then Kean looks at me and says "Jess, It's Bouno." I was soooo pissed! I just told him to hang up the phone! Ten minutes later my mom calls us back and asks what happened and I was like, "Uhh yeah, Bouno is NEVER allowed to talk to my husband. I don't want him having ANYTHING to do with my family or my life! GOT IT?" and my mom just did a nervous laugh and was like, "Alright Jessica." Till this day Kean thinks I'm a bad ass for doing that. I'm serious when it comes to my mom and her stupid ass husband. I've fought with him since I was like, Man I think 9. Fucking asshole! I can't wait till I see him! I told Kean it's going to be horrible at our family reunion. My stepdad said my mom wasn't allowed to come out without him. I swear to GOD if he says one fucking thing to me or my husband or anything out of line I'm going to fucking trip. I mean it!! And if he says anything back I know for a fact Kean is going to freak out. LOL Along with my crazy ass brother! I love both of them soo much!! LOL. I need to talk to my mom about him not coming out. All it's gonna do is cause HUGE problems! No one wants him there. I think he's just going to piss everyone else off and then that will make my mom mad at all of my family and then she'll run back to IN with him and never talk to us. He's just coming to take my mom away from her family even more. Grr... he took her away from the moment they got married and now he's going to finish the job. Fucking COCK!!! oh man.. I am pissed now. I hate when I get like this coz I know it's not good for the baby. Kean just tells me to calm down, eat a few otter pops and be happy. I love him sooo much!!!
- Mood: Ready for battle!!!
I'm getting baby furniture soon!!! I can't wait!! I think I found a great set at Pottery Barn for Kids!!! I love it!! Only problem is.. I have to see it before we decide to buy it. I'm weird like that. I mean, I could just let them deliver it and if I like it I'll keep it and if I don't, then I'll send it back and try again!! I can't wait for the furniture to come in!! It's almost as exciting and waiting for the baby!! And prolly a whole lot less painful!!
Kean went to a counselor today. I think it's going to prove to be a good idea in the long run. He didn't seem like he hated it. The guy gave him some things to think about. I guess I was brought up in it and now I have an appointment in two Tuesdays to work with the guy on my jealousy. LOL!! Kean told him I like to argue and the guy said he likes a challenge. I don't think this guy know's what he's getting himself into. The last time I went to a shrink with my ex it was ugly. We argued and argued and I ended up arguing him into defeat. I hope I still got it!! LOL!! I think they should make a job for shrinks, sort of like a "secret shopper" but more like a secret patient thing. I could go in there and prove to them that they either need to lower the costs of their services.. or they need to get intoa new line of work!! I'm telling you, I'd be perfect for it!!
I think I've figured out the stupidest thing ever!! McDonalds doesn't serve their like.. lunch and dinner menu all day!! All they have from like, 5-10:30 is breakfast!! SOOOO not cool! I wanted another big mac BAD!! I had to settle for a nacho cheese chalupa. Totally didn't do the big mac's job, but whatever, I guess I'm full!!
I think I'm going to get my flight line badge tomorrow! If not I'm going to freak out on Kean. It's been like two weeks since I first filled out the little form. Eh, oh well. If I don't get one tomorrow he's just going to have to take the Bus to work in the mornings!! SUCKER!! MAUAHAHHAHAHAHAAAA BURN!
Me and Kean were talking on our way to his work and I realzed something... We have a lot more sex than everyone else I talk to. My best friend back home hardly ever has sex. At first it was funny then I was like, well, maybe we're not normal, you know? I can't imagine not having sex with Kean as much as I do. And the weirdest part is that like, I'm pregnant and CONSIDERABLY bigger than I used to be and we still go at it like bunnies. It's kind of weird. Eh, random I guess!
- Mood: I'm a KNIGHT!!!
So I just wrote a descent friggin entry and then my computer died!! LOL. Oh well, the only important part was that Kean felt the baby move last night!! I was soo happy for him! Uh, other than that I really don't remember too much of what I wrote so, PEACE!!
- Mood: That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!
- Mood: <--- The COOLEST!
I'm gonna put pics up on here pretty soon of the room! I guess I should get off my ass and get in the shower and then start pickup up that room and take some pics, but I just don't think I'm gonna do it! I'm a lazy bandita!! Lol!!
Oh!! So I met a new Navy wife. Well, I met her a while ago for a day and she seemed pretty cool, but then she moved back to wherever she came from and I hadn't talked to her for a while untilshe found me on myspace and started talking to me. I think we might be hanging out pretty soon! Let's hope she's as cool as she seems and not some boring ass fake! I hate those kind of people!!!
I finally hit my hungry stage this weekend! Yeah, I'm soo not happy about this, but I have to admit I love eating! And I'm starting to look for reals prego! It's waaaay better than what I used to look like. I looked like I was just gaining weight and now I'm starting to get the pregnant look! I'm loving it! I highly doubt Kean finds it too attractive, but oh well, he's stuck with me! MUAHAHAHAHAAAA!! lol.
- Mood: quixotic
Birdy Wake-up
Birdy with a yellow bill,
Hopped upon my window sill,
He winked his eye,
And he cocked his head,
And he said,
"WAKE UP, you sleepy head!!"
I painted a little bit of the pink against the purple last night and it looks awesome!! I can't wait until it's totally finished! I decided to wait till the weekend to finish so that way Kean could help! Lol... SUCKER!!
Our car is getting fixed next thursday and then we might be able to go home and see some FAMILIA!!! I can't wait! My nephews and nieces are getting too damn old too damn fast. I told my sister -in-law that i'm glad I'm having my own so I won't miss them so much all the time!
I need a new hair cut!!! I wish I didn't have such thick and curly hair!! I can't do anything with it DAMNIT!! I keep telling Kean I want to get a trim but we never get out and do it. He says we'll do it on the weekend and then we both end up being bums!! Maybe this weekend, maybe not!
I gotta go write my lil girl. LAYTA
- Mood: <-- still the coolest!!
We really need to pick a name for our girl. I really need to pick a doctor and pediatrician for her too. I totally forgot. I guess I'm gonna go with Dr. Karol. He's older that dirt but he's delivered a ton of babies. Lol. I guess an old doctor is better than no doctor! Everyone from home keeps asking me for pics of my fat belly, but I just can't give thema ny. I'm too embarrassed. I know I'm pregnant so I have an excuse, but in my head there is no excuse for the way I look. I've only gained ten lbs, but I'm still getting bigger. Like, I've stayed at ten lbs for the past month or so but I'm continually getting bigger. Maybe my scale is broken? Eh, it's a possibility.
Man I really need to get off my ass and clean, but I just don't see it happening!
Kean just called and apparently he's got watch tonight. :( I hate when he has watch. I have to be home alone all night long :( Maybe I'll paint tonight. I wasn't going to, but I highly doubt I'm going to be able to sleep without my Keanen Beanen! I can't wait for the weekend so me and Kean can sit around and be bums together. We've been laughing a lot more lately. I love it! For a while there we weren't like, having fun together. I mean, we were happy, but not laughing like idiots! We're back to laughing like idiots.
In less than a year we're going to be moving! I'm so excited. I hope we move to a big city, not some po-dunk town like here! Anywhere would be better than here. I want to move somewhere that I can meet a ton of new people and make a ton of new, non-dramatic friends!
So me and Kean were talking the other night and I came to a conclusion. Unless he can get me a descent fake ID. when he turns 21 he's not allowed to go to bars at all. Lol. Sucker! And then when I turn 21 it's on like Donkey Kong! I can't wait to get drunk and take a cab home for the first time!! I can't wait to take a cab to anywhere! Lol.
Alright, I think I'm done wasting my time writing in here! Time to take a shower!
I'm gonna go to Home Depot and get more paint for our babie's room. We were going to go with a hawaiin theme but I changed my mind when I saw the wall I painted yesterday. It looks sooooo good and it would look absolutely perfect with pink walls!! I'm hoping KT won't be too busy to come help me. Painting was soooo boring yesterday!! Eh, if she is then I'll just have to do it myself and that's quite all right with me!! As a matter of fact I think I want to paint the whole thing alone! LOL... Poor Kean. I'll let him put all the baby furniture together. Lol!! Well, I'm going to get in the shower and wait for Home Depot to open so I can finish painting my baby girl's room!!! SOOOOO EXCITED!!
- Mood: <---this is awesome!!! lol
I've been super productive today. Ok, maybe not "SUPER", but hey, I did SOMETHING!! I set up our file cabinet, picked up the living room, sewed Kean's cover-all's, and actually showered!!! What more could I do? Now I'm starting to put together a list for a baby shower. It's prolly not going to happen for another two- three months, but hey, it's good to be prepared. It's going to be soooo awesome getting stuff for the baby. And I think it will help me feel more like the baby is coming rather than me just getting overweight! I cannot wait to start setting up the room! Our ideas are friggin awesome! I thought it was pretty original, but then yesterday I was watching A Baby Story and I saw my theme in a lil boy's room. I was kind of crushed. but it gave me a ton of ideas!
Man pretzels are heaven today. Food is becoming an issue for me. I can't stop wanting to eat everything! I mean, I don't act on it, but I'm constantly wanting to eat. And Kean is twice as bad. He acts oon all his impulses! My skinny lil white boy is getting a lil chubby! HA HA!! Gotta love it! Well, I guess I'll go make my Baby Shower list!
Ok, so yesterday I thought I was a cute prego and today I decided, you know, I'm not so cute anymore. Officially depressed about it. I hate this!!!!
